If a Rabbit is in a hole in the ground, and I am with the Rabbit...Then Where Am I???...

Well it has been a very emotion filled week for me from anxiousness to excitment to sadness to disappointment and to now just no more feeling. Its been a week of ups and DOWNs. I actually had alot of stuff to write today in this blog but suddenly I cannot remember, I just cannot remember. All I can remember is this metaphor which is a stupid and mostly rhetorical , and to some even may think itis a CRQ (See back blogs for explanations).

So here goes, have you ever walked in day light and see the path infront of you so clearly, but suddenly you fall into a hole in the ground? Well seems stupid right that you cannot see whats infront of you and also even if you cannot, we all at some stage of our lifes must have had situations that hit you when you least expected it. Well I am beside the rabbit in the hole already, and not knowing how I got there. And do anyone remember some people or friends around advising you that the pain will go away or its okies don't worry, or my favourite of all, its NORMAL?!?!....well but when you are actually in that DOWN situation, some how these words don't help and some how you sort of know how it feels everytime you say that 'advise' to someone else. Well I was one of those that says stuff like that to others, and although no one has said anything like that to me yet, I don't feel any better thinking about the 'advises' whether if it came from me or not.

Well the most important event this week is something big. But as I always said, there are somethings I can say, somethings I want to say, somethings I cannot say and somethings I don't want to say. This applies even for words written I suppose. and what that comes after this are words that I cannot and will not 'write'. Only the smarts ones that knows how to decoded will understand.

Well today my someone close to be said she does want to be close anymore. I really don’t know how to feel about that actually. Should I be sad? Should I be angry? Should I rejoice I am free? Should I cry? Should I throw a tem tramp around? Should I turn away?

I feel I am all of the above. I feel so painful now inside again as I start again to close up my heart. The same heart the wept for someone for 10 years and closed up after that; the same heart that opened after again trying to like/love again and once again made to cry.

Especially when I made the most important decision in my life, a decision that I made because of her to love again, and when I just started to step out of this closed box, I was pushed back in again, because of her…because of her I cannot trust anymore anyone else. I really want to cry, I really want to just leave everything just behind. I am so so tired, tired of everything beyond time and space. I though that it was the meaning for me to live as I open myself again to someone, but then I was wrong again.

I suppose this is my destiny that I may never love again, and my solemn oath to myself that I will never never NEVER allow another girl to open, see and especially touch my heart again. At least my life before has not consequences of this magnitude. I will never love a girl again. This PROMISE I make to myself. Till my last breath that I will never love another girl again.

So with this I end this, as I stand alone in the hole.

(Music : Why - Nicole Nordeman)